Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Threat Level: Zebra Print

Screw "Orange" and "Red"...I said that it's Threat Level: Zebra Print over here people!...Run for your lives!

This is almost as bad as Threat Level Snake Skin...not for the faint of heart!

Sure, it sounds pretty, but it's more like my house has come down with an exotic strain of some flesh-eating bacteria that I'm convinced will morph into some H1N1-Swine-Flu-hyrid by tomorrow afternoon. I can only hope that it works quickly and I get to go all Gwyneth Paltrow from the movie, Contagion sooner rather than later. 

Let me officially welcome you to what sounds like the TB ward of some run-down, early twentieth century, nearly abandoned, hospital in the already feels like a psych ward in this place some days, so when all the crazies get sick, the silly string really hits the fan. I bet you thought that I was going to say "sh*t" just then, didn't you?...But, you see, I can't...I can't even spell it because my tiny but brilliant patient loves it so very much that he's trying to adopt it as a real word of his very own. He's not even two yet. I can't ruin him already! I have to try to stop this now. So, stupid and highly unsatisfying phrases like "son of a sugarbush" will have to suffice. My deepest apologies for that. I'm getting way off track here. I blame the cold medicine...

...Anyway, back in the Land of Quarantine...We've been victims of an ever-present Plague that has kept at least one member of my family sick at all times since winter settled in here more than four months ago. I can no longer take it. I am about to become the Betsy freaking Ross of enormous white flags, folks! Maybe I'll find the strength to waive the giant thing on high after I mop up this lung that I just hacked up again. Watch your step.

The immune systems in our house deserve to be traded in. They have failed us entirely. If summer doesn't get it's ever-lovin' backside over here immediately, I'm going to lose my shish-ka-bob! (See how dumb that sounds?!

This winter has reminded me that children are nothing more than living, breathing germ-a-paloozas, wrapped in mucous & poo...and that good health is something that should never ever be taken for granted. And most importantly, that I will NEVER be "too busy" to get the flu shot again. I will make some time. Mark. My. Words.

If the residents of the alleged SONny Side ever get well again, there are a few things on my list that I'd really like to be able to do...

1. Finish a sentence that doesn't contain the words "after we get home from the doctor's office..."

2. Stop looking at shopping carts, restaurant highchairs, and public restrooms like they're hitmen intent on my family's demise.

3. Take the stairs again without fear that I will suffocate in a coughing fit halfway up.

4. Reclaim normal looking hands that haven't aged a million years from having been washed straight to the bone and sanitized Silkwood-style.

5. Eat foods that aren't a part of the B.R.A.T. diet.

6. Hopefully stop chastising my family for trying to hug me or touch me before I've had a chance to change out of my work clothes.

7. Keep plans that we make instead of constantly canceling at the last minute because there's barf or snot again.

8. GET NEW CARPET IN THE FAMILY ROOM. Don't go in there people. Just don't. If that floor could talk, it would probably just throw up again from the abominations that it has seen this winter. Thank GOD for hardwood in the rest of the house!

9. Stop wiping my bright red nose like a coked-out junkie in work meetings.

10. Move the mobile pharmacy off of my kitchen counter FINALLY!

If I could even accomplish even six of the ten, I'll call it winning and crack open some bubbly! In the mean time, in order to protect yourself if you see me around, I'd still pretend that you don't know me until at least mid-May...if we're not all on the mend by then, the Psych Ward joke won't be a joke anymore...

And if I'm posting less than usual, just remember that my blog is probably contagious too, so you probably shouldn't be hanging out with it anyway...

Vicks Hugs and Vitamin C Kisses,


  1. LOL! I am sorry for laughing especially since I can totally sympathize with you, seems that we have been having such a lovely winter this Spring and with Mother natures menopausal outbrust of bipolar BS we have all stayed constantly sick as well. I hope that your household recovers soon, sounds like you could use a drink in the mean time

    1. It's cool...the laughter is the only thing that keeps us going, right?! A drink definitely sounds in order! Thanks Kimbra!

  2. Wretched! Just wretched! I'm so sorry. Although you make it sound really quite interesting. :). I hope you are all better soon!

    1. Interesting is a kind way to put it ;)

  3. hope you feel better, but in the meantime, stay far away!

  4. Oh great. First time I visit your blog in a while and now I'm going to get sick. A-chooooo! Oh well, too late.

    Ugh! Being sick all winter sucks. I'm sorry that it seems endless. hopefully the weather will warm up soon and everyone will be as good as new in your house.

    And hey, I'm a former teacher and a mom. I don't get sick that easily, so I won't stay away for so long this time!

    1. I'm such a party pooper, right?! Well, welcome back my dear! I'm confident that spring will have us on the mend soon!

  5. I'm sorry for laughing at your pain... with you I hope?! Hope you all feel better soon!!

    1. Laughter is the best medicine after all, right? Why isn't it working?!

  6. I think I'll risk the contagiousness...just wanted to throw in a line about hoping you all get well soon!

  7. Dang ,girl! (I can get on the bandwagon of non-cursing words) My children come home with stunning new vocabulary every day. Good things my dogs can't speak- I sound like a sailor.
    Please get well and do it soon. The world needs your funny.

  8. We had a winter like that year before last. I had the school absentee lines on speed dial! Hope you all get better soon! And when I'm sick, I would have to add "going a day without peeing my pants from coughing" to that list. :D

  9. Boy, you guys have really been through it over there. We did the B.R.A.T. diet for 2 full weeks around here. Not fun. Hope you can make it through your list soon!
    Justin- Writing Pad Dad
    Writing Pad Dad Blog
    Writing Pad Dad on Facebook

  10. Jeez, that totally sucks!!! I can't imagine how crazy you must be going! Hang in there sister, warm weather is'a comin'...I hope.

  11. "Son of a sugarbush!" Totally going to start saying that around the house. Like, right now. Great post, and I get it. We had a week like this a while back, and then it seemed like we got a week's break and then got it again as it rotated through the house from one family member to another...argh. Feel better!!!

  12. Off to wash my hands now....

    Hope this ends for you guys soon!!

  13. Sorry to laugh at your misery, but ha/ha! This post is hilarious! I tried to write one like this earlier this winter about sickness, but yours puts mine to shame. Great work and I hope you all feel better soon. I can't even imagine what kind of awesome post you will come up with when you are the picture of health! :)


Comments are a girl's best friend! Go put on your beer goggles & tell me how witty I look...