Remember my super awesome friend, Amanda, from a few posts back? She's actually a really gifted writer on top of all of the other incredible stuff that I already told you about. Some girls just have it all, right? Her pieces are filled with all the usual snark that you've come to expect on this blog mixed with way more talent.
Anyway, occasionally she writes a piece for the column that she contributes to her local paper and it gets a big fat, totally rude "rejected" sort of stamp...usually on account of it being a little too "edgy" (read: free- or forward-thinking) for the very small town audience that she's writing for.
This is where I swoop in and vow to save her awesome pieces that were otherwise destined for the delete button. They don't belong in her computer's recycle bin. They deserve readers who aren't easily offended, have a real sense of humor, and don't fear the occasional rant. This is where you guys come in, my amazing readers and friends, in all your cool and funny glory. I hope that you'll enjoy and embrace Amanda's guest posts here! Her first one is a doozy!
Please allow her to introduce you to the Top Three Most Obnoxious Parents:
There are a few things that are certain in life. One of them is that if you go in public for more than 15 minutes, you will be confronted with an aggravating parent.
You know, the type of parent who allows their child to hit your child while they are busy posting semi-revealing pictures of themselves on Facebook. Or maybe the parent who drives with two kids in the car, windows up and smoking Pall Malls. Yes, they are on my radar.
So, I have narrowed the list of offenses into three personality types. I proudly present this list.
The Eco Nazis: These “hip” parents will loudly exclaim the virtues of steamed kale, cloth diapers and wooden toys. They let their child breastfeed until they are able to drive. And you are a bad parent for your lack of enthusiasm toward this mystical process. Their children go to political rallies and wear 1970’s rock band shirts. Life is about Peace. Justice. Acceptance. That is, unless, you have chosen to circumcise your son or don’t eat all organic. Then, you should burn in Hell!
The Braggarts: These parents are picture perfect on the outside. And that is all that is about ideal with these insufferable messes. They brag about their love for each other. They both are actually having affairs with their co-workers. They coach the Little League game, but their child hates the sport and only does it to please their parents. You can often find the Braggarts at swanky cocktail parties boasting about how their “eldest” child is studying abroad on a Rhodes Scholarship. Translation: She is actually working as a drug-addicted prostitute in a small village in
Ukraine. Even worse. They do
nothing. They would rather spend their winter break in Aruba
so they will have pretty pictures for their annual Christmas card.
Bullet Dodgers: These parents do everything wrong. And this is a fact that they are very proud of. They are quick to give advice about how to be more laid back. It is totally fine to enjoy a few glasses of wine and smoke cigarettes when you are pregnant. RELAX! They let their children watch 16 hours of TV a day, have friends of the opposite sex spend the night during their teen years and most bothersome...make you look like a total ogre to your child.
Their children will grow up to be gifted and joyful. So exceptional in fact, that their son will represent your daughter in her criminal trial for forgery and embezzlement. Life is simply not fair.
Image Courtesy of: http://bensbitterblog.wordpress.com/2012/12/03/kid-show-parent-bitterness/