If I was Your Mama - February 25, 2013

As promised, I'm kicking off my new weekly feature on this chilly Monday in February...

If I was your Mama…random unsolicited advice from someone else’s opinionated mother

The Nicole Kidman Edition:

Honey child, please sit down for sec. Let’s chat, okay? I’d offer you something to eat, but my guess, from the looks of it, is that you’re not really into that sorta thing. Oh, well. More coffee and Thin Mints for me. Yay!

I saw you last night at the Oscars, darling. I have to tell you…I almost didn’t recognize you.

You’re an incredibly beautiful woman. When you were born, the dear Lord blessed you with countless physical traits that make millions of women the world over, green with envy. Not only did he make you a statuesque beauty that will likely be considered a fashion icon by many for generations to come, but you have grown into an immensely talented actress. The awards on your mantle obviously speak for themselves. And, although your two gorgeous daughters arrived much later in life than you probably ever expected, you have been blessed with both a handsome man who loves you, and the ultimate gift from the universe…motherhood. Those girls will look up to you, and will aspire to be like you, for the rest of their pretty little lives. It is a job, a responsibility, and an honor not to let them down.

Now, listen to me, and listen good…PUT DOWN the Botox! You’re starting to look like a stretched out alien from a distant planet. It’s off-putting to say the very least. Your plastic surgeon is lying to you. It looks terrible. He just wants you to keep paying him so that he can afford to keep the clownfish alive in that giant saltwater aquarium in his office.

Contrary to popular believe, there is actually no shame in aging gracefully. There IS, however, shame in turning into Lil’ Kim. Have you seen the latest version of her? Holy silly-putty-face Batman! It’s NOT good. It’s a slippery slope, sister. Remember Meg Ryan? We all used to love her too…until we couldn’t pick her out of a line-up any more courtesy of a face full of Botulism. Let her be a cautionary tale! It could happen to you too.

WHAT THE WHAT?!?!!

Teach your daughters that beauty really is only skin deep. Embrace your face. The one that you were born with. Every laugh line, every wrinkle. You earned them.

 You’ve obviously never seen a lick of sunshine, so, if you stopped messing things up over there at the doctor’s office, you could probably look incredible for a really long time.

And, if you don’t…you’ll still be okay. Agreed that you will probably end up filming bedroom scenes in the future opposite the likes of George Clooney, rather than Zac Efron…but honestly, trust me when I tell you that your job could be much, much worse.

As a mother, it is your responsibility to teach your daughters that who we are, is NOT what we look like. It’s who we love. It’s how we love. It’s how we give. It’s how we live.

Wrinkles, crow’s feet, stretch marks…they’re nothing more than a blip on the radar of life. Real, actual, important life. If they make for a bad cover shot of Enquirer magazine, life still marches on. The next Teen Mom or lame Kardashian scandal will make today’s rough close-up photo, tomorrow’s puppy potty-training papers. Get your priorities in order, lady. The future lifetime self esteem of your daughters is at stake here. Don’t screw this up.

When we’re done here, please go pick up that bedazzled iPhone and call up some of your gal pals to share this little nugget of wisdom. Start with Courtney Cox. I can’t be her mama today too…I ain’t got time for that.

Sincerely,

Somebody Else’s Mama