A Gift from My Grandmother

My grandmother died a week before Christmas this year. She was eighty-three years old. 

My grandfather died very suddenly, leaving her a widow nearly thirty years before. They'd had five children together, including my mother. Those five children went on to have sixteen grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren.

She was born right before the Stock Market Crash. A first-generation American with proud Polish roots. Her family came to the Detroit-area at that time and she never left. For as long as anyone can remember, she has been a brash, tell-it-like-it-is, matriarch who loved her family fiercely but had trouble showing it in any of the more traditional ways.

She developed complicated relationships with all five of her children along the road. Some of them scattered further away on the map, and elected to raise their own families from afar. Some stayed close and struggled with their mother's sometimes difficult nature. She was who she was. Some decided to "take it" while others decided to "leave it."

Her passing happened quite suddenly. She'd been in relatively good health for someone her age. A heart attack in her home took her quickly and unexpectedly.

There were so very many things left unsaid. So many wounds that had never healed. So much forgiveness never offered. Her five shell-shocked children were thrust back into one another's lives a few days before Christmas to make final arrangements for her...and to figure out how to say goodbye to a mother that some had felt so conflicted about for so many years.

It is not my intention to speak ill of my grandmother now that she's no longer here. I don't intend to go into the details of the difficult conversations that her children had to have with one another during such a sad time; or the surprising amount of money that she'd scrounged and saved to generously gift them after she was gone; or the undeniable way that it broke Christmas into a million pieces for every last one of us who loved her. That's not what this is meant to be about at all. 

My broken heart is still trying to figure all of this out. 

But I do know this...it continues to break for her children who will likely spend the rest of their lives trying to figure out if there were things that they should have done differently....things that they should have said. I'm so unbearably sad for them. There is no going back. What's done is now done. I pray that they will find peace in their good memories of her and that they'll forgive themselves and each other if there is forgiving to be done.

My grandmother has actually given me a gift that I wasn't expecting this Christmas...a game-changing sort of reminder that tomorrow is never promised, and that being the sort of mother that my son truly deserves is something that I need to work at every single day. She has inspired me to love the people around me even harder...to never leave them guessing about where they stand with me...especially if it's in a very special place in my heart. She has reminded me to say what needs saying, to do what needs doing, and to tell my son that I love him every single chance that I get. 

My grandmother showed her love to the people around her in unconventional ways. She showed some of them how much she loved them after it was already too late. She has gifted me a brand new perspective...her life and her legacy are an example of both the right and wrong ways to do so many things. In spite of some of the 'wrong', I still have so very many fond memories of times that I shared with her. I want my son and my future grandchildren to have more beautiful memories with me than they even know what to do with once I'm gone from this place. 

I know that I will make mistakes. I won't always say things when they need to be said. But, I hope that my grandmother will serve as my faithful reminder to right those wrongs....to fix what I've broken...to be patient, and kind, and to forgive...even when it's undeserved.

Our children are a blessing. Every day that we share with them is a gift. I weep for those with regrets. I intend to have no place for them in my own life any more. Sometimes axes truly do deserve to be buried, and love should always be reason enough.

I'm certain that my grandmother now watches over our family from a better place. I have no doubt that she'll find ways to remind us all of her love for us in the years to come...very probably when we're least expecting it. She will always be the reason that I love my child with urgency....the reason that I hug my husband, and mother, and sister, and friends just a little bit longer from here on out. I will always be eternally grateful to her for being a shining reminder to live and love to the very tips of my fingers and toes...to love obnoxiously really. This is undoubtedly the greatest gift that I will ever receive.

Grandma, THANK YOU for this.

We will love you and miss you always.

And if the rest of you are on the list of folks that I adore...look out...the lovefest is about to be unleashed!