I haven't slept well in over two years. Most days I feel over-worked, underpaid, impatient, vaguely mean-spirited, and basically the shell of the woman that I once was. When people ask me how things are, I'm honest. I'll give them all the gory details about my sleep deprivation, about the six teeth in my toddlers head that have been torturing that little person, and my whole freaking family, making us miserable for the last fourteen months...and STILL aren't here. I tell them about the seemingly endless drama at work and so on. I probably sound like a hot mess who is unable to harness her Chi, and is somehow managing to ignore all of the blessings and good things in her life. I'm not sure why people even talk to me any more. Honestly. I'm a total pill.
I'm over it. I am in the middle of a full-blown epiphany, in fact.
There are things happening all around me right now that make me so sad...for other people...instead of my stupid, self-indulgent self for a change. Children in Syria are running from missiles...right now. There are families still uprooted and homeless from Sandy all along the East Coast who aren't certain where they'll be living come December 27th. I know more than one mother who will be spending Christmas Day in the hospital, praying over their sick child's bedside, desperately hoping for answers and miracles. There are families affected by today's unthinkable school shooting who will be burying their beautiful little children this Christmas. I can't possibly imagine the universe-shattering reality of this.
I have let my situation at home get the better of me. I'm ashamed of that. Being tired...having a cold again...those are inconveniences. Those are not tragedies.
I have a warm home that I like very much. I have plenty to eat. I'm married to a good man who works hard and loves me to the farthest corners of the Earth. I have a clever, healthy, handsome son with a kind heart and a brilliant sense of humor for someone so very small. He is cared for during the day by my eternally generous mother who has more patience inside of her than any other human that I've ever known. She helps share so much of my workload at home. I have a career that leaves me feeling fulfilled most days. I am fairly compensated for my work there. I enjoy so many of the people who share my office with me. I have some of the best friends that a woman could possibly ask for. I have a caring sister, adorable nephews and nieces, and an extended family filled with wonderful people. I have medical insurance. A reliable form of transportation. My health. I have blessings coming out of my ever-lovin' ears.
It's time for me to shut up already. My life may not be perfect, but it is very, very good.
Extra sleep, extra money, extra time would all be nice. But, I have everything that I need. That is such a gift.
I am done with pity-parties...with complaints about my puffy eyes or the long day that I just had.
I truly am one of the lucky ones. I intend to start acting like it.
I intend to start devoting more of myself to those who are not.
This is not a New Year's Resolution. This is a new life resolution.
If you catch me forgetting this, or falling into old patterns, please just send me this link.
I hope that you'll take a few moments to count your blessings today too. And maybe you'll hug your "terrible two" a little tighter tonight. Maybe you'll find a little or a big way to help someone who needs it too.
Let's totally do this together, you guys...
Can you imagine how different our life, our perspective, the world around us might look in six months?
If peanut keeps me up AGAIN tonight, it's okay. I'll definitely be tired tomorrow...but mostly, I'll be grateful.
Life gets absolutely NO better than this...
Although introspection is often quite difficult, the resulting perspective is well worth it.
ReplyDeleteThis post is perfect not just for today, but for this time of year in general.
I get that you want to be grateful and that you want to do better, but don't forget just how awesome you are.
Thank you Karen. Feel free to remind me as often as possible ;)
DeleteI will be watching you. <3
ReplyDeleteI hope so!
DeleteReally great post, if this was only eveyone's attitude, what a world it would be. On the flipside, if you fail, at least it will provide you with post material. I forgot your a mom, nothing tougher and good luck
ReplyDeleteThank you Ron. Spoken like a truly enlightened father :) Good call on the post material. Even a fail is a bit of a win in that department I suppose :)
DeleteI just met you and read a lot of your posts and don't get the pity party vibe. You seem very grateful for your life. I'll go back and further inspect ;).. jk. Seriously, I think you are honoring all of these tragedies in recognizing how valuable every healthy second with our loved ones is. My heart hurts for your mama friends sitting in hospitals with their babes. Try to stay positive, it helps with energy and our immune systems.
ReplyDeleteThanks Honey. Trust me...the pity parties happen. I just try to keep them invite-only so not everyone has to bare witness ;)
DeleteIf you are the worst, than I am the worst. Ok, wait, that won;t make you feel better... it's not true, we are not the worst... But my God, it's like you wrote that post for me. It's the lack of teeth and sleep I swear! And once we get all fo the teeth and sleep it takes to get balance and harmony, we will be so not the worst.
ReplyDeleteHooray! We're tied for worst! Kidding...you're totally right. If these teeth ever arrive, we're destined for pure awesome!
DeleteI'm not a rich man by any stretch, but I always think, on Christmas Eve, after I've wrapped presents and stuffed stockings and eaten cookies, that there are families out there, parents, going to bed with a sadness over not being able to give their kids the Christmas they wanted to.
ReplyDeleteI know I feel that way, but I am quite fortunate to give what I do give.
I love the tone of this, like you're over yourself, but the rest of us out here just love how you write. We're definitely with you on this.
Thank you SO much! It's so important to remember how lucky we are and to be grateful even through the tough moments.
DeleteWonderful Jen, just wonderful. I think we all get caught up in the poor me attitude sometimes. And we all take our families for granted - even me who should know better. But you stopped and reflected. That's what makes you beautiful and strong. And that's why so many of us love you!!
ReplyDeleteKathy...I'm only supposed to tear up when I read your blog, not in the comments section of mine! But, thank you...again...for the kind words and sweet thoughts. Reflection is definitely where I need to be right now. Everything else just isn't as important as I like to make it out to be. I am finding my Zen...slowly :) Wishing your amazing family a holiday full of hugs and more love than you know what to do with!
DeleteSo true. I get caught up in my own cyclone of self-absorption more often that not. Great post and I hope we can share your link back and forth to remind each other to do just that. Count our blessings. Loved it.
ReplyDeleteThank you!! Let the blessing counting commence...
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