Mom The Time Bomb

Unfortunately my toddler is still a little too young to begin the epic Elf on the Shelf tradition that has undeniably been sweeping the nation and Pinterest pages everywhere with its merry little way of bribing naughty munchkins everywhere into “Nice List”-behavior for the duration of the holiday season. It’s one thing to threaten that “Santa is always watching”…it’s quite another to put his creepy little hired henchman on your mantle all day, every day, while kids can basically watch him making a mental note every time they “accidentally” trip their sister. I’ll gladly give credit where credit is due. It’s absolute genius. It’s so totally genius that I was mentioning to a friend the other day that I’d like to find a similar incentive system that worked for husbands. A clever way to keep them motivated when it comes to their list of responsibilities…or even just general picking up after themselves.

So here’s the list of some that I’ve come up with. A few of these were inspired by brilliant and funny twitter friends. Pardon the Dr. Seussian sounding parallels, but I tried to make them sound like a tribute to the original inspiration. If I was an entrepreneur at all, I’m certain this is how I’d make my first million. And my second and third too.

*Important Author’s Note: I’m not trying to imply that my husband is lazy. He’s not. He’s just a guy who needs gentle visual and verbal reminders now and again…just like every other husband I know. Hence, the mass product appeal that’s obviously in play here ;)

General Hired Hands:

-Thug on the Rug…You don’t want this gangsta flashing his piece at you for failing to vacuum.

-Slouch on the Couch…This lazy bum is taking up your favorite spot on the couch. Guess you should find something better to do with your time…like the dishes.

-Red Neck on the Deck…This jackass hangs out in your yard as an annoying reminder to get ‘er done…I mean mow the lawn.

-Pain in the Ass in the Grass…He’s sitting in your garden and he’s surrounded by weeds. What’s your problem man? What will the neighbors think?

-The Toilet Roll Troll…This tiny piece of evil is a frightening reminder to replace an empty roll AND to put it in the right way. If momma pulls the paper from the underside, there’s no telling what that Troll might do.

Some Husbands are Only Motivated By One Thing...And It Ain’t Dinner:

These little trollops require very little explanation I think. If you use any of the Jezebels listed here, just understand that you’ll be expected to make good on your end of the deal here. Ahem. I’m sure you know what I mean. And, you won’t find any of these skanks in my house, that’s for sure. If we left it up to Brad (@readbradthedad) who couldn’t come up with any ideas that existed outside of the gutter, this list could probably go on all day. But, because this is my blog (and I’m of pure heart and mind), it won’t. I know…I didn’t buy that last line either.

-Hooker on the Slow Cooker…She monitors kitchen cleanliness and she likes it slow, real slow.

-Tramp Near the Lamp…When you walk away, turn off the light or she won’t treat you right.

-Whore on the Door…Works in any room that needs her watchful eye. She hates to see you go, but she loves to watch you leave. Wink, Wink.

-Piece of Ass in the Grass…An overly affectionate spin on the original “in the grass” idea.

Wanna Really Scare them Straight?:

-Destroyer in the Foyer…Take your shoes off and keep ‘em neat or this bad ass is a-comin’ for ya!

-Wife with a Knife…She’s angry. She’s frighteningly lifelike. And she thinks Lorena Bobbit was totally justified. Some assembly required.

-Chick with an Ice Pick…Don’t think Lorena is frightening enough? Try this femme fatale on for size…and REALLY don’t forget to refill the ice cube trays.

-Black Swan on the Lawn…She’s lovely and graceful, but if you don’t start watering the lawn more often, she can be a PSYCH-O!

-Sledge on the Ledge…I can’t take credit for this bad boy. It was the evil brainchild of April @MsEstep – It’s basically a sledgehammer that sits on your mantle silently threatening a “Misery” situation if you don’t take out the trash or whatever other important duties the Mrs. has asked you to help with. April thought an idea involving this level of violence might be “too much”. I disagree. Sledge on the Ledge is for those times when you just can’t ask “one more time”. That’ll be the sales pitch at least ;)

Okay, I swear I’m not a maniacal man-hater. I’m just an overworked mama who has a vivid imagination and way too much fun with her blog. Hope you enjoyed my walk on the darkside. One thing I know for sure is that a few of you are even crazier than I…so please, please, please share your best (and worst) ideas with me in the comments section here! If you couldn’t already tell, I needed a good laugh!