Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Can someone please get Jennifer Aniston knocked up already?

Since I'm way too lame to blog lately, a fab friend of mine offered to do it for me :) Hooray! If you hate tabloid fodder as much as I do, you're gonna love this one...

An Awesome Guest Post 
By Amanda Leitch-Lee:


Can someone please get Jennifer Aniston knocked up already?


Is she or isn’t she pregnant? Every week of our lives for more than ten years the tabloids have screamed of Jennifer Aniston’s impending baby. Since she and Brad Pitt tied the knot over ten years ago, we have all been on bump watch. Even after they broke up, we have all been on Code Orange for her child.

By all, I mean people who have no social lives such as myself. I quite frankly am tired of it. One minute she is reeling from a painful miscarriage, the next she is suffering through a long series of IVF treatments that did not take. Next, she is adopting.

Sadly, she has mentioned that she does want to have children. So, I am sure she is super tickled if she even bothers to read this information screaming at the grocery check out lane. Does she go to the grocery store? Why do we even care? 

What is it about this woman that sells so many magazines that proclaim she is pregnant? Do we feel like we also got the shaft when Mr. Pitt left her for Angelina Jolie? Do we feel her pain as they tromp around the world with their army of children? And Angelina had twins. Twins. That’s a bitter nugget to swallow alright.

As of today, I am making my number one priority in life to get her pregnant or adopt a child. This might prove difficult, as she does not know whom I am. We also do not have any mutual connections. But, I feel this is a mission I must undertake. I should have a chat with her possible future husband - Justin Theroux. We need to get this lady pregnant ASAP. She is 44. And quite frankly, I am begging to find a new hobby. Something less creepy. 

UGH!




Amanda Leitch-Lee is the creator of the upcoming women-focused website Saffron Moxie. Saffron Moxie will feature articles about women around the world, personal blogs and advice columns. Go to SaffonMoxie.com and sign up for our newsletter. Or you can always like us on Facebook. 




Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Wah, Wah, Wah

I have a very special piece up today...only it's not here. It's in a very special place. My dear friend, Tracy, otherwise known as Momaical, offered to hang it on her bloggy wall. It's the very first guest post that she's ever featured. She's funny, and smart as Hell, and a wonderful friend. I'm beyond delighted that she's invited my post into her brilliant little corner of the Internet. If we lived in the same time zone, I'm convinced that bodacious BFF's we would be. For now, I'll continue to adore her from afar, and I'll remain grateful for the opportunity to write anywhere near the incredible cyberspace that she inhabits.

I'd love for you to commute on over to my guest post at Tracy's place...where I'm drowning my working mom sorrows in an extra large travel mug of Starbuck's Blonde Roast, and I'm still wondering when it will all start to feel easier...and what I should do if it never does...


Guest Post Link:

How does HE get a window office?!



Thursday, June 13, 2013

Advice, A Top Ten List, and Washing Your Delicates in Lake Water...

Once upon a time in a land not so far away, I was someone that folks considered "outdoorsy". I know, right?! It's true. I had these awesome biceps and quads that I actually showed off...on purpose, and I taught inner city kids how to canoe, swim, and sail.



I grew up camping with my family, and when I was old enough to be get a job, I spent endless summers as a lifeguard and a camp counselor. Please believe me when I say that there is no better way to spend your youthful summers "working" than on the shores of glittering lakes, or hiking through infinitely green foothills and mountains, or singing silly campfire songs with some of the best friends that you'll ever have. I wept over the end of every season. I desperately hope to instill the same sort of relationship with nature in my son.

So, while I'm going all John Denver on your ass over here right now, I actually have a goofy Top Ten List up over at Dads Round Table that is all about why you should pack up your crap, and take your family camping this summer. Just do it, people. If you need additional convincing, please go check out my post:




Even if you have a terrible time, (camping, not reading my post,) the stories are usually epic. What doesn't kill you and all...right? Right. 

So, even if you agree with Dave Berry that, "Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business," do it anyway. Memories like these...they're the really good ones. Like hot melty "Smore's"-good...



Monday, June 10, 2013

The Too's of The Two's

My offspring turned two years old last month. I won’t deny that I dreaded it. Why? You know why. It is accompanied by its own, widely-acknowledged nickname, for heaven’s sake! The Terrible Two’s.



Turns out The Two’s in my house are actually originating a brand new nickname all their own…they’re known as the Thirsty Thirty-Three’s…and apparently no amount of coffee or tequila can make The Two’s feel easier.

Armed with nothing but exasperation and a keen sense of humor, I navigate The Two’s carefully…making diligent mental notes in an effort to learn from my near constant mistakes. While The Two’s change the rules in an infinite, and completely unfair, cycle of near disaster, I am clearly at a distinct disadvantage, however, I have noticed a few patterns of behavior that seem to help guide me. Allow me to introduce you to The Too’s…if you haven’t already met…

Too Independent

For real son, you actually DO need someone to help you put your shirt on the right way…and believe it or not, this actually isn’t my first rodeo. Also, holding my hand is still mandatory in busy parking lots, and no you don’t always get to pick what we watch on TV. Heed this warning: Too Independent is often accompanied by Too Bossy. The “bossy” position has already been filled in this house, and it turns out that Mom doesn’t really like to share either. How do you like dem apples?! You don’t. Which typically leads to…

Too. Much. Crying.

Here to answer the age-old question, “Is it really possible to run out of tears?” is my two year old. Interestingly enough, the answer is no. Also known as “white noise” in my house at this point. Nobody worry, he’s just mad that the blue Chuggington train car is moving faster than the red Chuggington train car. Logically...

Too Much Talking

While the words aren’t always clear…and they often don’t belong in the same sentence together, they are never in short supply now. Our sparkling conversations about bugs and cookies are often highlighted with words like “doo-doo-head” and “poopy-butt”. Having a four year old cousin rules, if I haven’t mentioned that before. Silence truly is golden. I never fully understood that adage until right now.

Too Busy

Sorry Mom, no time to eat, or put shoes on, or listen to you for even a second, I’m super busy kicking the refrigerator door right now. Also, I don’t plan to eat anything healthy anymore. Ever. So, good luck with that.

Too Tired

He’s been rubbing his eyes for the last five hours. He can’t stop yawning. His tiny body is growing like a weed right now. But, if you even suggest the word nap it’s about to be all “Where’s Waldo” up in here. Also, early bedtimes are for the birds now too. Hope you hate sleep as much as he does.

Too Much Interest in Life as a Nudist

Put your shirt back on, bro! And your pants while you’re at it! I understand the whole “getting to know your body”/self-exploration stage, but WOW! I was not ready for this much Full Monty. Please put your dangly bits back in your Pull Up so that you’re not so tempted to pee on the carpet. Again.

Too Smart for His Own Good

I won’t lie, I underestimated the brain power of this one. Also, the penchant for mischief. It’s a really good thing that I had those eyes installed in the back of my head back when I birthed him, because there’s no telling what sort of chaos he’d up to when I wasn’t watching. Being too smart and too sneaky also usually results in something, or someone, getting way too messy way too fast.

Too Funny and Too Cute to be Mad at for Too Long

This, alas, is probably the only reason that I still let him live with me. That smile…those hugs…that “I’m sowwie, Mommy” is far too irresistible. He’s a joyful soul. I adore that. One of my best friends refers to her preschooler’s life as “one big victory lap”. I love this idea. I see so much of that mantra in my own toddler’s spirit. It’s a tricky phase to navigate, but at least I love to hate it. He’s made damn sure of that.

The other shiny gem amidst the confusion and wreckage? None of these Too’s last for Too long! He bounces from one to the other and back again before I even know what hit me. A bit schizophrenic? Yes! But, also never ever boring. Some days with him are really hard, but most of the time when I look at him, it still seems TOO good to be true.

------

Author’s Note: Before you start warning me that the “Three’s” are even worse, please don’t! I’ve already heard it. Also, it’s sort of like telling someone at a busy street fair who’s been waiting in line for almost an hour to use a port-a-potty, “Do NOT go in there!” I’m going in. Even if it really stinks. There’s no turning back now…


Monday, May 6, 2013

Mama got her bloom back

Hellllloooo? 

Is anyone still out there? 

If not, I don't blame you. I've been gone for the last few months on a new-job-with-crazy-hours-imposed-blogging-hiatus. I've missed writing terribly. I'm still exhausted and can't really keep up, but it is my intention to mount a comeback. So, to the few friends who remain, thank you! I've missed you too! I've got so much to tell you! Grab a lime-infused beer and let's catch up!

Spring has finally sprung here in Michigan! It was one of the longest winters that I can remember, filled with every cold and flu germ in the book. After the snow finally melted, a month-long monsoon season set in. My Seasonal Affective Disorder had me by the short and curlies this year, (you're welcome for that visual, by the way). I was ready to toss myself into the lake where my backyard used to be, and never come up for air. But, one day it all finally stopped. The gray skies turned blue...the puddles dried up...and the sandals that I'd decided to start wearing two months ago, finally looked less out of place.  I had survived another winter. This one felt like a dangerously close call.

With the horrors of another midwestern frozen equinox in the books, I am once again intoxicated with the soft green grass and cool gentle breezes that May has mercifully blown in.

I am new again.

Four years ago in May, my husband and I bought our home. It has the most amazing tree in the front yard that boasts magnificent purple blooms for only short two weeks every spring. Simultaneously, there are two more trees in the backyard that explode in the prettiest pink flowers that Mother Nature has to offer. I'm 98% sure they played a big part in why I fell in love with this house. These trees put on their best show for us every May...a beautiful reminder of our treasured beginnings here.

My son will be two years old this week. He was due at the end of May, but decided to arrive three weeks early, on Mothers Day in 2011. After three long years of struggling to conceive, I'd had a difficult pregnancy, with weeks of bed rest, and I was going to be induced the following day, but my sweet, and ever-impulsive son had other plans.

At two in the morning, I got up to use the restroom, for the 900th time that night, and my water broke. I hadn't showered, shaved, eaten, or slept much...I'd had big plans for the morning of my induction. Peanut didn't care. It was showtime.

After seventeen hours of labor, followed by three more hours of pushing, Leo was finally here. He and I both had a rocky start, as he was taken to the NICU for several days, and I ended up in the hospital for another week and a half because of other complications. But, eventually, we were reunited, and were given the green light to go home. The trees has flowered and lost their blooms by the time that I was back at home. I was sad to have missed them, but spring's renewal had brought a different kind beauty and life to our home once again.

May is my favorite time of year. It's my unofficial official New Year. It's a clean slate. It's Mother Nature's apology for recent wind chill factors. It's a recommitment to taking long walks on Saturday mornings. It's a time for cleaning out closets, for blowing bubbles in the yard, for planting aromatic herbs that will waft through my kitchen window in the evening to reward me while the dishes are being done. It's the ultimate reason to sneak out of work, and to go to the park with my munchkin, and pick dandelions that we'll celebrate like a bouquet of roses. It's the perfect reminder to count all of my beautiful blessings.

I'm reemerging from winter's cocoon...from my new job blues...from the stifling season of sweater-weather. 

I am waxing nostalgic, and rejoicing in all of the kindness that May has shown me. 

Mama is baking a birthday cake for the cutest two-year old on the block. She is strapping on her neon running shoes again. She will get a pedicure after that. Mama will drink something fruity and she will stop staying at the office late. She will bask in the beauty of her yard, and her family, and her wonderful life that she was starting to take for granted somewhere in the middle of February. 

She IS BACK.

Mama found her bloom. Which was never really lost...only snow-covered and hibernating.

...and she encourages you do enjoy it, before it inevitably falls off when summer arrives, and she starts complaining about the mosquitos and stifling heat...

In the mean time...it's good to be back!





Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Someone Has Taken A Shine To Me!

Allow me to introduce you to Justin, aka Writing Pad Dad. He's clever, and very witty, and full of sensitive insights about the world of parenting that make him a unique and mature voice in the increasingly crowded, and often noisy blogosphere. He talks about marriage, and aging, and the battle of the bulge with honesty and humor. He doesn't shy away from difficult topics, and instead broaches them with both wisdom and style. He's among my very favorites on my ever-growing blog feed. I encourage you to spend some time visiting his site...I don't doubt that you'll fall head over heels for his generous warmth, his adorable family, and  his top-notch writing.



Justin has this cool new series called, "Blogs to Take a Shine to", where he features some of his favorite bloggy spots on the web. When he asked me to be featured, I was wildly flattered, and of course, I agreed. He sent some questions, I sent some answers, and today, they'll be reunited on his terrific site.

So go check it out & tell Justin that Jen sent ya. I'm waxing poetic about growing old, lessons learned and what I hope my parenting legacy might look like...

LINK:




Saturday, April 13, 2013

Wait...I'm not a dad...

Among the many zillions of "mom-centric" blogs that I have proudly joined the ranks of, there exists this other sect of weird writers that I enjoy...most of whom are clever, charming, insightful, and unapologetically awesome. 

Naturally, I'm referring to the dawning of the Dad Blog. Just when we thought that our exclusive girl's club was the only cool kid at the party, in struts these guys...with a beautiful little baby strapped to their manly chests...despite all the hair that's probably growing there right this minute.

They're bringing a bright new voice to the genre. Silly, sardonic, or heart-achingly touching...these fellas run the gamut. They're Dadding like professionals, and writing like rockstars. 

I've befriended a few of these gentlemen over the course of the last year. They fill my blog feed and inbox with pure gold. And while I'll always love my blogging sisters who reside in the land of "Mom"...I feel just as "at home" with these other gentle giants. The ones who don track pants in lieu of yoga-wear, and who don't shave their faces when we're busy not shaving our legs.

There is one group in particular who has rocked my unlaundered socks off. These guys are no joke. They take fatherhood very seriously...as all fathers should. The men behind the Dads Round Table (DadsRT) have created an online magazine and resource for dads...well, really parents in general. They write about an unbelievably broad spectrum of topics with wit and pizazz. They fully understand that parenting "experts" don't actually exist. They have carefully created this incredible space on the web where parents can gather, learn, and be heard. They're committed to putting quality content first. They are generally freaking fantastic.

They have asked me to join their ranks as a contributor. I am unabashedly flattered. 

Not only was I asked to become a contributor, I was asked to launch a brand new series featuring female parenting voices on their site...so cool.

This series will feature unique perspectives on raising tomorrow's dads. Um, have I mentioned that I couldn't be more excited to be kicking off this effort?! 

Please go check out my piece there...and if you like it, please let me and the guys who run the joint there know how downright brilliant you thought it was...

Here's the link -



Once you get there, please stay tuned! I've rounded up some other talented female voices to join the discussion there as well in the weeks and months to come. 

I look forward to contributing to this outstanding online parenting resource in the future! We invite you to join us at the Round Table! And you don't even need to bring a dish to pass!